Three years ago, I heard about an “illness” called ADHD from TikTok. I didn’t really focus on the topic at the time, but my ‘for you page’ kept showing me more and more content from neurodivergent TikTok. At some point, I realized that I was relating to their struggles. That was the point where I decided to gid this one deeper.
First, I searched for the diagnostic criteria. After a few self-screening tests and some academic papers, I was convinced that I needed to see a professional on this topic. Then I went on a search for a psychiatrist. Then, the pandemic locked us all in our homes. That was a big pause for my journey.
After my search was stopped, I accidentally convinced myself that I was ‘healthy’ and ‘ok’. I didn’t need a professional, I didn’t need a prescription. I was handling it and ‘everybody’s a little ADHD’ anyways. Also, if I had gotten a diagnosis, that would've meant nothing. Nothing would’ve changed.
As we sank into this pandemic, my mental health went south. I was depressed and anxious. I was having anxiety attacks. In short, I was in a dark place in my life. I was lonely. My partner was out of town for god knows how long. My parents were at home 24/7. My friends were busy and/or far away. I couldn’t be alone nor be social. My support system was gone.
I realised that I wasn’t into my destination. I found a therapist. I forgot all about ADHD.
My (now ex) therapist asked me if I had a neurodiverse diagnosis like ADHD or Autism beforehand. I told her that I have never seen a professional about these. At that time, this seemed like an interesting chat and nothing more.
Therapy helped me develop healthier coping skills from my anxiety and depression. I was communicating better and clearer. I was able to set good and kind boundaries. I was a lot better but there was something that ‘she couldn’t reach. After a few months with no steps taken forward, I realised that she was no longer good for me. I left therapy.
After some time, I remembered our ‘random’ encounter. I wondered if she really thought that I might be atypical. That, made me think. I started following the ADHD community. I saw a reflection everywhere I look.
I found a lot of good, educated creators with ADHD who are trying to raise awareness. I wanted to show all of them to my partner, saying that these are my traits. I was almost sure that I was a part of that community.
Then kicked the Imposter Syndrome. I didn’t have an official diagnosis at the time, so I was stealing clout from the people who needs it. I wasn’t looking ADHD anyways. With these thoughts, I started to invalidate myself again. This cycle went on for about seven to eight months. Finally, one day one of my close friends got diagnosed with ADHD. I immediately called her and asked for her psychiatrist. I was on the call with the doctor 10 minutes later. Half an hour later, I had an appointment coming in two days.
I was happy for a while, then I started panicking. What if there was nothing wrong with me? What if I was just stupid or lazy? My ego would never survive that. After getting praised as smart, wise, gifted since I’ve gained consciousness, I would’ve never recovered from that.
Then, I started walking to the office. My knees were trembling. I was afraid. My neck was wet from the stress sweat. My lungs were hurting.
I realised that I forgot my wallet back at the cafe, where I left my friend at. I turned back and collected my loot. I ran back to the office with the fear of being late, not being able to think all the things I have to say or what she might say.
She listened to my symptoms, asked me questions about both my present and my childhood. I drifted off while speaking and every questions answer lasted 10 minutes instead of 5 seconds. I apologised and I confessed that I was feeling like a fraud just for being there. She just smiled and told me not to worry. She indeed thought that I had ADHD and started a prescription, then proceeded to explain AHDH to me. I was relieved. I wasn’t lazy, stupid or faulty. I had ADHD.
When I first got my prescription, I was amazed. For the first time in my life, the work I did was harder and needed more energy than just trying to focus. My head was just empty. My internal monologue and the voices that sing, talk, mumble were gone. I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t daydreaming, I was just existing. I felt like that was the first day that I have ever lived.
But the drug was the smallest part of the change. I felt like I belonged to the community. I finally had a way to explain things that I otherwise could not.
Now, with every passing day, I realize that more things make sense.
All the ‘weird’ or ‘lazy’ things I did as a child was a result of my ADHD.
I remember fighting with my father just because I said that I didn’t know why I didn’t do the dishes. Either I didn’t enter the kitchen all day and literally forgot that dishes exist, or I didn’t know why I didn’t do the dishes. Now, I know why: executive disfunction.
Knowing the name of your ‘illness’ is important. Even if you don’t want to take medication, I strongly advise getting a diagnosis.
Right now, I’m closing into a month with my diagnosis. Although, I was sure that I had ADHD, getting a professional diagnosis is different. Knowing you’re not ‘broken’ or ‘bugged’ or ‘poorly done’ is one of the strongest positive effects of the diagnosis. That invalidating piece of me is still there, but a diagnosis is a strong shield against it.
After my first psychiatry session, I started to try and find people with ADHD and listen to their stories more. I have found a community both in my area and around the world. Learning that I wasn’t alone, validated my struggle. I felt more comfortable as a neurodivergent person. I was certainly not alone.
Happy ADHD Awareness Month!
If you have any questions or comments you can reach me through my twitter, reddit or email.
Discalimer: As always, I’m not a mental health professional. I am just a young woman with a late diagnosis. I am sharing my experience and the knowledge I have gotten from my doctors. Still, I urge you do your own research from reliable sources.
If you think you might have ADHD, you can do a self screening test from here. I have found this after searching for a trustable ADHD chart. This is not a diagnostic test, but if you have a higher score, please think about seeing a professional.
PS: We are not ‘quirky’ or ‘energic’. This is a life-threatening disorder. Untreated ADHD can shorten the life expextancy up to 24 years. People with untreated ADHD have a significantly higher risk of death by accidents.